long to be close to you.

you have no idea how vulnerable you made me feel.

it is as if i have no control over my own feelings.
a part of myself gets lost as time goes by without being around you.
i miss you with my whole heart and soul.
i miss you with every fiber of my being.
i long to be close to you. and not just physically.

but you never know. nor would you understand.

the loneliness that surrounds me, the despair that drowns me, the sorrows that kills me, the disappointment that breaks me.

the uncanny feeling that clutters my normal course of life.

but i know you would not love the emotionally deranged person that im.
nor can i give you the love that you deserve.

still, i hold onto the glimmers of hope that you gave me and treasure every moment that i have with you.

if only you can tell me what im to you..

tired.

im tired every day. or, let me put it this way: im tired of being me.

i know its ungrateful for me to say so and the fact is im very grateful to be alive.

most people that i know look at me from the outside and think that im happy and comfortable with who im.

no im not.

im not that carefree, mad, sociable and crazy girl that you think you know.

few people have looked inside.

i still feel like that girl that others bully into a corner and speak nothing about it.

i still like to hide under the blanket and speak to no one for the whole day.

and no, im not happy.

it doesnt matter what i do and where i go.

the past drags me into the shadows every once in  a while.

im pathetically seeking for love, for warmth, for that feeling you get sitting by the fireside while it snows outside.

but no one ever knows. 

I Can't Make You Love Me

Just give me time to give up this fight.

I am more wretched than I thought I could ever be.

Again, falling under the illusion that this could work out, I have no more control over my own emotions.

But I know this is not right nor do I have any chance in getting out this fight alive.

Yet droplets of you keep seeping into my empty heart.

Overflow with thoughts of what could be and what should be, 

I spend every languishing days searching for traces of you that you left behind. 

I need you. Or I shall say, I need you to need me.

all i want.

And too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside
You can't provide what I need from you anyway

But do you know
It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

contradictions.

i dont wanna lose control
i just wanna touch your soul
I do, I do

I just wanna hold you when the goings tough
I just wanna love you when your not enough
I just wanna give you all that I can give
I do, I do

bitch.

cupid is a bitch.
love is a bitch.

it happens at the most inappropriate time and on the most unsuitable person.

and i will never be able to escape from being its slave.
it drugs me with temporal happiness and kills me softly with jealousy and dread.

it manipulates me with emotions.

im nothing but a puppet under the name of love.

but this time, i wont let it leads me.
becoz i wont let myself label it as love.
i wont allow myself to indulge in false hope and idealization.

this is the new me today.
not 2 years ago.

my strength

upon entering university, i got to know many more people than i used to.
some that you instantly begin a friendship with, some that inspire you intellectually and these are the ones that i hold most dearly.

they ignite your passion that has almost died out, they inspire you in the most surprising way and they always, always get it.

i have to confess, im in a chaotic mental state with many aspirations but too little time.
these people does not pull me back to the ground or reality but instead hold my hand tightly amid all the craziness in life.

they are the source of strength that i hold onto.

indeed, friendships are not measured by the length of acquaintance.