For me, being an outgoing introvert, I have to make the decision around different people to be socially recoiled or force myself to become outgoing i.e. act comfortable even when I am not.
The former is an easier choice and the latter often takes courage and bravery but I was always rewarded with unexpected friendships or connections.
Us being friends for such a long time, I am too used to being effortless around you.
And this is one of the reasons why I fell for you, for you made me comfortable even when the whole world is not okay; for when I am at my worst self, I still long for you; for when I look into your eyes, I know I want to be in your arms.
I fell for you slowly, but then all at once.
When what I dreamt about came true in front of my eyes, I am overwhelmed with happiness and also anxiety for I no longer know how to act around you.
Unlike friendship, relationship requires much effort.
Yet being used to being effortless, I allowed myself to take the easier choice and became socially recoiled around you.
I even ran away from you for the fear of not having made the right choice.
As a result, the comfy feeling that we have around each other disappeared as I was no longer the "me" that I was around you.
The truth is, I am both. I am both socially awkward and socially awesome. The former is an inherent quality and the latter I developed it myself. The former comes out every once in a while when I am tired and the latter makes me proud, happy and comfortable being with who I am.
The two must co-exist and I cannot be the latter without knowing what the former feels like.
Therefore, I am now promising myself that I will be myself around you.
By "myself", I mean the unconstrained one with passion and the one who will be brave for the person that is worth it.
By "myself", I mean the inherently shy one who is now making the conscious choice to be courageous for you.
Yes, I may still be socially awkward at heart, but I want to become a better person for you.
Being timid and shy is not who I am proud of.
My passion and enthusiasm is what makes me a better person.
Your are not my soulmate.
Relationships are journeys that require conscious effort and one should not over romanticise everything.
Soulmates do not need to make it work with effort as "they naturally belong to one another".
But that is just not the reality.
The reality is there is not "the right person".
What makes a relationship a strong one is when both parties are willing to put effort in one another because they believe they are worth it.
And yes, you are worth it.
