Begin Again.

So here we go again, after 2.5 years.


Last time, I completely lost myself in my love for another person.
I wasn't the person that she fell in love with anymore.
I was always insecure and had no control over my own emotions.
I couldn't trust her.
I closed my door and she closed hers.
I wasn't able to love myself and she wasn't able to love me.
I was left shattered in pieces.



This time, I won't let this happen to us.
After a year of being in the university, I learnt to deal with pressure.
I learnt to be aware of the negative energy that I am giving out and face it fearlessly.
I learnt to be independent and pick myself up after falling apart.
I will define who I am.
I will not devalue myself.
I am going to love myself the way I want you to.


Thank you for giving us a chance; giving love a chance.

fuck this.

i do not know what we had can change so quickly.

it is as if i missed out an episode of our story.

fuck this.

why can't i act normally and cover up my screwed up emotions.

do you even know how messed up im?

how will i be able to close this freaking gap between us...

im sad. not just sad. maybe to the point of despair.

the loneliness is swallowing me up.

please give me glimmers of hope to hold on to..

im on the edge of giving up ...

positive thoughts.

1. if you belong with me, you will be there for me.
therefore, where your heart belongs now does not matter nor should i care. if you are the one that I'm looking for, things will work out naturally.

2. there are many things in life that are more important than you are.
my work, my studies, my academic interest, my time to spend with those who truly care.

3. it will be okay. if it is not, it is not the end yet. keep a little faith and have confidence in myself and in you.

4. even if it does not work out, it is not a loss. becuz that proves you are not the one for me.

long to be close to you.

you have no idea how vulnerable you made me feel.

it is as if i have no control over my own feelings.
a part of myself gets lost as time goes by without being around you.
i miss you with my whole heart and soul.
i miss you with every fiber of my being.
i long to be close to you. and not just physically.

but you never know. nor would you understand.

the loneliness that surrounds me, the despair that drowns me, the sorrows that kills me, the disappointment that breaks me.

the uncanny feeling that clutters my normal course of life.

but i know you would not love the emotionally deranged person that im.
nor can i give you the love that you deserve.

still, i hold onto the glimmers of hope that you gave me and treasure every moment that i have with you.

if only you can tell me what im to you..