Winter Solitude.

the winter wind blows
freezing, engulfing, biting my heart of solitude
silhouette of the past haunt me
leaving a scar on the delicacy of my memory

loneliness shivers in the corner
that direful monster consuming me in silence

i strive for an escape
yet it is in vain
it strikes me like a flood
with wave of emotion rolls in
i shriek

but no one knows me
nor the wind has mercy
so here i stand
enduring the winter solitude
for a hope that never exists.

奢侈

就讓我在難得比較空閒的禮拜天

躲在被窩裏

看一本與學業無關的書籍

撇下繁複的莊務

不跟任何人說話

這個空間 就只剩下自己

然而 這從什麽時候開始 竟成了奢侈的生活

chur.

其實真係chur得有d過分。

當我以為midterm/ tests/ essays 交得七七八八，
前幾日發現下星期一又有份2000字要交。

當我以為agm完左、正式上左莊，
其實又要為逼到埋身既inaug而忙碌。

其實我只係想有一日完全空閒，
可以做自己想做既野。

點解好似無可能?

疲憊。

很累。
累得不想思考不想應對不想上學。
最近都沒有娛樂的時間。
簡簡單單想看部電影也難。
為什麽要這樣犧牲私人時間？

我也不明白自己在幹什麽。
值得嗎？
不知道。
已經不能走回頭路了吧。

至少跟你們一起笑聲總是不絕。

好不容易

好不容易過了mock cam。

46個小時12個人1條心面對n屆上莊。

壓力比自己想像中大。

身為其中1位3C，理應對所有活動的設備、場地以及學生會內務守則瞭如指掌。

可惜我不太做得到。

感覺自己令正上莊失望了。

也意識到自己跟其餘11個人溝通不足。

但在過程中得到的堅實支持真的很大很多。

無論是post-its還是其他人在cam inaug的4個小時內幫忙答問題，都令我很感動。

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but im exhausted mentally and physically.

但我找到了mock cam的意義。

我找到了上莊對自己的意義。

agm 會是另一大挑戰。

做到!!!!!!!!

最後晚餐。

記得第一次聽到這首歌，是ocamp的第二個晚上。
那一刻的感動實在難忘。
我暗自跟當時的自己許下承諾，將來感到難受、寂寞，抑或迷失方向時，
要重溫當刻的霎時感動。
要記得，"為求沒有帶著遺憾活到終點"。

這個月發生了很多事。
生活快得來不及好好反思。
再聽這首歌，已是一個多月後。

你的離去或許是一個提醒。
要記得當初對自己的承諾，要為自己的選擇負責。

去吧，我會永遠珍惜你。

.

心裡穿了一個洞。
想拼命的找些甚麼填補。
卻愈填補愈空虛。
愈實在亦愈虛無。

上天總愛帶走一些好人。
我不相信上帝。
然而，面對死亡時卻禁不住奢望會有一天跟離去的人重聚。
各基督徒朋友都不約而同在面書寫下"在天家見"。
那我們，又能在何時相見呢?

你對教學的熱誠、執著感動了我。
你為很多徘迴在絕望之際的年輕人，重新點燃希望。

i know your spirit will never die.
you will forever be in my heart.
rest in peace, ms ngai.

搏盡背後。

hku is an amazing place and it opens up a lot of opportunities.
the best part is how you get to meet many different people.

however, it is not easy being here.
especially now that i have chosen to take up something that requires a lot of effort and dedication.

since you are meeting different people, you have to be an active talker or respondent at all times.
since you are taking up so much responsibility, you are also sacrificing your time with family and friends out of the hku circle.

at times, i just want to find a companion that allows me to truly be myself.
one that i do not have to force conversations with.
one that i feel comfortable with.

i wish you were here.
you are rarely here but your mere appearance lightens up my day.
however, you are out of my reach.
you are so far away from my life.
but i can't help adoring you.
your words become my strength to go on at times of despair.
i often ask myself in predicament, what would you do if you were me?
you are basically my rock.

you will never know everything that i feel.
but i just need to see you more.
just a little bit more...

:)

im proud to say im now part of the proposed cabinet of english society 2013-2014 session :)

it all started from the ocamp that i joined.
i love everything about it.
the people are amazing and very friendly.
the games are really enjoyable and successfully connected all the jomates together.
the atmosphere was playful yet we all gained something during that 3 days.
by the end of the camp, i became determined to be an executive committee member of english society.

then we had to go through the recruitment process and interviews which can be nerve wreaking at times.

and finally, the result came today.
im more than surprised and beyond ecstatic.
this marks the start of something unknown yet very exciting.
it proves how you have to step out of your comfort zone at times to get what you want.

fork in the road.

once upon a time when we ask if that must be the way.
now i stand here facing the fork in the road.
befogged as ever, i took my chance and turn to the forest which i thought i knew what was there.

miles to go and i see nothing.
miles to go and i lose something off my arms.
miles to go and i tripped and slipped.

turn left, turn right.
should i move on or go back?

yet i saw the dim light ahead.
torn as i was, i kept going on the road least traveled.

where will it lead to and when will it end?
for so many unanswered questions, i kept going and allow fate takes the wheels.

the great escape.

loney, loney girl.
engulfed by the constantly imbuled darkness
after a steady spiral downwards, inwards, outwards.
that lost soul, that lost dream.
and too the noises and scurrying life outside
did nothing to grace the heart of solitude.

close your eyes and drift away.
oblivious to the crimson package split asunder by the god of hearsay.
oh loney, loney girl.
escape from this lonely, lonely place.

bedazzled.

the scenes replays, as if the rays of sunshine touching on the heartstrings.
the electric twists, embarking the start of something unknown.
the laughs, thumping the earth and echoing around and around.

bedazzled but peace remains.
and how i wish time to stand still, time to stop creeping away.

chur life begins.

23號入細o
25號出camp
26號玩o day
27號入大o
29號出camp
30/31號gathering
1號action q interview
2號第一日返學

好似chur左少少。

hku :)

hku here we go!

i have looked into the common core that we have to study in the first 3 yrs.
the courses are simply awesome!!!!
i want to study courses abt sexuality and gender, forsenic science, moralities and ethics so badly ._.
i wanna join the hku queer alliance.
i wanna live in lung wah street residential colleges.
i wanna meet new people through orientation camp.

i just cant wait to start NOW!

excited.

i have just done my interview for cuhk english faculty.
the professors are great but i still kinda regret appearing too ambitious (??)
maybe i should have been more humble but never mind.
a girl who also had an interview told me only marginal cases are interviewed which scared the sh*t out of me.
i kinda thought it was a pretty safe choice.
never mind :\

my first choice is hku ba and i have been super excited  abt it.
maybe im not ready for law - yet.
i hope i will be after 4 years.

anyways im so glad i did not put cityu law as my first choice.
a lot of people are glad too - my teachers, my parents and my relatives.
it really has a not-so-good reputation and i always think i dun belong at cityu.

it is unpredictable that i would choose such a path.
but i feel like im on the right track for the first time in many years :)

dream that never comes true.

it was ridiculously unreal.
i did not expect at all to get the lowest and the highest grade in the components of a single subject.
(overall grade still stinks)
why is it chinese?
why?
i was more than shocked.
i still couldn't accept it.

as for english, while many of my friends managed to secure two stars, i got 1 only. so what was the use of the english prize? to remind me how i lost my most important battle?

as for other subjects, i got what i expected yet still has an unsatisfied feeling in my gut.

dse doesn't define me. i know i know.
but it still hurts to see what i dreamt abt shattered in pieces.

i just hope i still have a shot at cityu law.

please be over.

dse was over before i knew it.
and i know 7.15 will be over before i know it.

i hate waiting.
one of my biggest flaws is patience.
i dun have the patience to wait and see the result of my 6-year effort.
okay im probably bluffing - at least 2-year effort.

on the 15th of july, my dream may be crashed. i may never ever have a shot at pursuing a career in law.
or, i will be starting my first step towards my dream.

fingers crossed.

if all else fail, uk will be waiting for my return.

primary schoolmates gathering.

post-dse life has been very busy and a bit messy.
grad book and scotland took away much of my time.
but i managed to squeeze some time and attend a primary schoolmates gathering.

some people never ever change.
mean girls are still mean girls who think their are on the top of the world.
im a bitch - i expect their fall one day.
smart-asses are still smart-asses who remain the center of attention of teachers.
stupid people are still full of themselves and attach themselves to others that seem to be on a higher position on the ladder.

im happy some people are still as friendly as i remember.
we had a nice chat.

but i guess i changed a lot myself.

im not the little girl that you can bully into a corner anymore.
im not the one who will cry herself to sleep over others' inmature actions and statements.
i wasn't smart enough back then to avoid trouble - i seemed to be the trouble-seeker to be exact.
i screwed with the wrong people.
i messed up all my friendships.
i was lonely.

but now i manage to find the right people to be friends with.
real friends with amazing attitudes.
i stand up for myself.
i try my best to accomplish what i want badly.
i can deal with being alone because that doesn't mean im lonely.
im much stronger and tougher.

f*ck the haters who stood in my way.

habits.

Aristotle had said a lot of inspiring words but i find the following most fascinating.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."

i hv recently allowed myself to indulge in a extremely laid-back life.
i do not follow good habits.
i pay less attention and think less about the things around me.
im not longer familiar with american or hong kong politics like i used to think i do.
im not learning anymore.
im basically a living organism who for some reasons have a tight schedule but often left feeling extremely unsatisfied.

i repeatedly told myself: hey u went through a tough journey. u deserve to be as free as you want.
however, it is not good for me.

therefore, it is important to me to establish good habits all over again.
yet i need to take it slow or else i will find myself falling back into the aimless life im having now.

it all begins tomorrow.

back from the wild camp.

不得不承認我是一個嬌生慣養的城市人。
一去到野外，一點求生技能也沒有。
幸然有4位同行的男同學，事事為我們2個女同學打點。
從起爐燒烤 (事源浪茄營地的3個燒烤爐也被人霸佔，我們不得不用appear out of nowhere的渠蓋自製燒烤爐)，到紮營等等，都由他們代勞，實在感到不好意思。

可說是破了最長燒烤時間的紀錄。
從5時燒到10時，最後卻依賴男同學們用cook set烹調的肉食才能飽肚...
晚上於海灘觀星(此行之目的)，雖然星星出現的時間不長，但也算是我一生人看到最多星星的一次。
不過最難忘的應是與多位男同學談天說地，還驚訝於他們願意推心置腹說心底話。

回到營裡聊到凌晨2時，小睡約3個小時。
5時被雷聲嚇醒。
之後不斷傾盆大雨，還打雷閃電，曾一度擔心被困於營地無法離開。
幸好到了早上天朗氣清，吃過早餐便連忙收拾行裝離開。

可是雨過天青後，天氣變得極之悶熱，一點風也沒有。
行山途中非常辛苦。
但捱過後，便有一種難以言喻的成功感。

總結而言，還是一個非常難忘的經驗。

the journey has come to an end.

dse is officially over as the examiner of english oral made her final announcement.

im so glad it has finally come to an end.

the journey is difficult.
i didnt have a pretty start with me crying over my chinese oral examination.
chinese written papers are challenging but i managed to show what i have got.
english papers are disastrous as i got my monthly pain during the days and as a result blew writing which i had very high expectation beforehand.
mathematics has never been my best friend and i sucked as usual but strangely feel that i have quite a chance of getting a 5.
chemistry papers are much more difficult to handle than last year's papers but i strongly hope i mangaed to secure level 5 or above with paper 2.
biology papers are mostly easy with me committing quite a few stupid mistakes and therefore im not really sure i have any shot at a star.
bafs was my last written exam and i just simply gave up on myself.
do i regret? maybe but it is not my favourite or most important subject so i do not really care.
and finally, english oral today.
it is nice to have a little competition going on and i have to admit my competitor was better in some ways but i believe i wasn't outshone by that much.
personal response question is difficult and i just hope they don't deduct my marks.

so that sums up what i had gone through last month.
i absolutely do not wish to go through it again because it can really make your passion and your spirit die out.
luckily, i still have my passion glowing stronger than ever and thats what keeps me strong throughout the journey.

now, it is time to turn to a new page.

it is over...

it is over.

but i honestly do not think i did good in any subjects.
especially bafs today which i basically gave up on myself.

ahhhhhhhhhh can u please let me get into law :\
i did try my freaking best in every subject (except bafs maybe)

it would be nice if dreams do come true.

好 攰 。

身邊不少人都正在享受自由的生活。
還有友人特別致電給我，說她剛剛看完電影（！！）

我呢，還有一科（！！！！）。

身體狀況讓我很想放棄。
今日考完試後躺在床上什麽也不想做。
累積已久的疲憊開始把我的戰鬥力減低到危險水平。

但我亦不甘心放棄。
雖然我超級不喜歡accounting，但
如果連5級也得不到，大概會辜負老師一直以來的教導。

啊啊啊啊啊啊，好累啊啊啊啊啊啊。

還有2科。

今日考完chemistry，睡到天昏地暗什麽也不顧。

很累。真的很累。

跟chemistry糾纏了那麽多年，總算可以放下了。

個人對這一科好感不大，也不明白自己當初為什麽會選修這科，還因為它第一次走去補習。
（好吧 其實是因為以為理科比文科易取高分的奇怪心態）

放下了。如釋重負。
如果得到好成績，補習老師的功勞佔不少。

今晚繼續上路。
去為biology努力。

5天後，才開始跟我最最最最不喜歡的bafs打鬥。

話說，今天看報紙。
考評局竟把bafs課程範圍減15%。
你也太後知後覺了吧。
課程的闊度根本非一般學生能掌握。
還記得有多少人正正因為這樣而在修讀一年後紛紛去遞drop科紙。
就只剩下我們8個傻傻的女孩子還留守死線，堅持不放棄...

i will just fool myself for 2 more weeks.

聽說前面有一大片梅林，只要勇往直前就能夢想成真。
儘管理性告訴我這或許只是謊話。

還有2個星期。

blew it.

how does it feel when u r really confident about sth and u never failed to excel at it before but for one time, and the most important time, u blew it?

oh yes. this is how it feels.
shit im getting farther and farther away from my freaking lawyer dream.
how could i blow english writing?
it used to be my stage of showing my proficiency.

could it be not that bad?
probably. maybe.
i will only find that out in july.

nevertheless, i still have 2 English papers to go.
they have to save my freaking stars.

i hate you english.
u made me happy and now u r betraying me.

噢。

綜合聆聽繼續遺憾。
please move on！！
leave it behind you！！

中文卷一二。

在此記下第一天考試的感悟。
寫完以後，亦要讓今天的心情停留在這篇文字裏。
不戀戰，不遺憾。

第一次考公開試，難免有點慌亂。
幸好昨晚睡得安穩，早上精神奕奕踏進考場。
與友人於同一考室考試，無獨有偶。

閱讀卷有三篇文章。
是考評局的惡作劇嗎？
埋首閱讀，做完一篇文章，原來已過了30分鐘。
是張曉風的文章。
不難理解，卻難幾字寫出中心內容。
或許做得一般，有遺憾，但過去了就罷了。
繼續埋首做第二篇文章。
言詞比較復雜，需覆看幾次才理解文意。也自然用了一大堆時間。
然而，答應自己要用25分鐘咀嚼文言文。
故留空了一題，最後才做。
之前用了2天操練文言文，果有所成。努力確有成果。
文章大約能理解，唯有幾句未能掌握。
罷了。只剩5分鐘，還是應該翻到前頁做第二篇的6分。
總結，卷難，但已盡力。無憾離場。

之後是寫作卷，雖是我最喜歡的一份卷，卻也是最怕失手的一份卷。
幸而題目不難，選了有關偏見的一題。
而且下筆如有神，能發揮多年功力，過程輕鬆愉快。寫了約1600字收結。唯收卷前有段小插曲：我忘了在補充答題紙上寫考生編號。還好沒不良後果，只換來全個考室的目光而已。
但我絕對不能因而自滿！

今天的事到此為止。
明日繼續奮鬥。

啊。

氣餒的感覺久久不能消散。

但我自信我命不該絕。
多年來的培養，怎會在一兩個月間突然煙消雲散？
我現在要做的，只是把能力激發出來。
加油。
你很好，你只需要證明給別人看你不只是空談。
你能做到的。

吃力。

撐得有點吃力。
但現在才放棄卻太太太太不值得了。
世界上所有有價值的東西都要用血汗來換取。
要達成夢想必須與自己競賽。

還有28天而已!

中文口試。

自認不是雄辯滔滔的材料，但大抵也能侃侃而談。

可是，剛過去的中文口試中，卻感到欲哭無淚。（其實也流了2滴淚）

今次的題目是： 在現今社會中，有些人不求有功，只求無過。試評論他們的處事態度。

平日看書上課的古今例子通通用不著。
各組員也顯然對於這個題目束手無策，談來談去也是現今政府的例子。
我算是有加入一個新例子。
發言總共4次，但都缺乏論據支持。

最大遺憾，卻是朗讀部分。
平日永遠不會犯的低級錯誤：回讀，讀錯字，都倏忽走了出來。
感情表達，我想還可以。
但這兩個錯誤應該已經把我的分數打沉到海底。

好吧。
說了那麽多，也無法抹回已經發生了的錯誤。
i will move on.

i just know it will be all worth it.

mom always has an interesting perspective in seeing things.

i kinda think i inherited that from her in some ways - but i did not get all of the trait.
im not as positive and my creativity is limited...

okay i may not get it at all.

what i want to say is, during this difficult time, she reminds me the importance of enjoying myself.
ironic, right?
how could one enjoy endless revisions? not even nerds.

but then, it is one of the few chances that i work so hard to gain an access pass to my dream profession.
and in the end, it will be all worth it.
when you look back, it is really not that unbearable.

p.s. got an offer from kings college london.
boosted my power by 1% lol.
its a REALLY great and competitive university.
but law is my life.
so, i really, really hope that i dun end up studying for business management there.

火花。

思想和思想相碰，的確會迸濺無數火花。

但也許，衝擊來得不合時。
無暇整理混亂的思緒之餘，亦打斷了本來的思路。

雖然，這證明我的思維仍有很多不足之處，但有人說過，這個多月，考驗的不再是個人智慧，而是時間分配技巧。

為了某一科的某一份卷中的某一部分困惑了2天，是時候收拾心情，不再戀戰。
逃避的確並非正面或正確的態度。
但人要學懂權衡輕重。

最近，我常說：我怕後悔。
但有些事情要看得豁達一點吧。

慌亂。

在壓力下，人變得慌亂。
但在今次數學考試中，我親身體會到一個道理。
對著煩複的數學題，不懂也不要緊。只要避免草率，也一樣可以取得好成績。

今天，我卻忘了教誨。
明天我要做得更好。
加油。

the first interview in years.

i went to an interview for a summer experience at a law firm. it is a shadowing-based 4-week experience.

i hvnt done any interviews since the one for secondary school admission.
therefore, im quite nervous.

just finished it.
and geez, i really needa stop talking sooooo quickly which is a bad habit of mine when im nervous.
the worst part is hving exposed a vulnerable part of me.

hope i wont do it next time :|

nice experience overall.

silver linings.

Excelsior!!

memo.

okay im making a commitment to myself: i must complete the first run of my final revision within the next 2 weeks.
the second run have to start no later than 19/3.

all my life, i hv been a lazy person. but not this time.
no regrets.

stupidity.

some people just don't get it, don't they?
i love socializing but i have a freaking exam tomorrow and you gonna come to my house and disturb me?
somehow, some people just assume i do not have to do revision ta-da-ta-da-ta.
plus, you are one of the few people on my list of hard-to-like annoying people.
some people are disliked by majority for a reason.
sorry, im not always that mean, but its hard when you are around.

jennifer lawrence.

how can you not love jennifer lawrence?
she is a beauty, inside and out.
plus, she is only 22! she has so much ahead of her!
looking forward to her next work.

btw, this year's Oscars is simply amazing.

accounting.

there are times when u feel like giving up..

and this subject is making it worse.

無語可言。

無語可言，唯有以歌寄情。

boreddddd.

im bored to a point that i find this amusing ~_~
argh! im hopeless.

empty.

life is pretty empty these days.

not that i have nothing to do.
i still have 3 out of 9 chemistry books to stuff in my head.

is it becuz of Valentine's Day?
nay i got through that stage and now sees it as another ordinary day.
i mean, everyday could be valentines day if you really love someone.

not that i hv anyone on my mind now.
single and not minding it.
the reason i indulged myself in relationships before is that, i hv no other goals in life.
but now, i believe i found one.

okay time to get back to work and stop being so laid-back.

the strength to go on.

距離dse還有60天。

我快要被壓力擠壓得窒息身亡。

不過得到一點激勵。

我上個月apply的ucas，終於有其中一所大學回覆了!

是位於英國東南部的university of buckingham，全英排名還要頗不錯，好像有10幾的。

給的是conditional offer，但要求頗低。

英國比較優良的法學院收生要求很高。

如果報讀一些二流學校，回到香港卻未必有學校願意收我讀pcll。 

因此我報讀的是business managment 的課程。 

雖然不是我最想讀的學系，卻買了個安心。

it also gives me the strength to go on. 

ucas 的application纏擾了我很久，也總算有點收成。

information overloaded!!!

this is just ridiculous lol.
i mean, im ridiculous.
i made a crazy plan to try to stuff 10 biology chapters into my head in one day.
now im onto the 7th chapter and im already experiencing information overload!
there are no words that can describe my frustration right now.
i guess my brain is not highly folded enough.

okay this is just a random rant typed between the breaks ~_~

never let me go.

nice song.
___________________________________________________________

i hope life is treating you well.

感言。

farewell過了幾天，心情還是有點悸動。
慶辛drama那part，我的演出大致順利。
唱著歌，大家都哭成淚人。
很不捨，也有些少遺憾。
但有你們，就好了。
還有，很感謝幾位老師的無限接納和包容。
尤其是班主任。
你的counselling session 都真的解開了我一些心結。
我一生難以忘懷。
最後，待到1時才離開。

毫不猶豫收下了遲來的道歉。
有點好奇你的領悟是什麽。
但大家都幸福就好了。
我的幸福，不再源於愛情。
而是源於自己對未來的目標，和友人們的愛。

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藍顏絮語。

花未荼靡夢未盡
暗度韶華淚滴桑田
繾綣愁緒為誰掩?
月下瘦影自嘆痴。

可悲。

那些人有點扭曲。
又有點可悲。

他們都是自私的動物。
為了自己，不惜動員一切人力物力反對異己。
真不明白。
我們值得他們花上數以百萬去反對嗎？
well, im honoured.

that is why justice is so important.

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outsider

sometimes, i still feel like the weird isolated insecure girl 3 years ago.
but then, it was only 3 years.
issues that i avoided remained unsolved.
no matter how many friends i have, how many people who care about me, i still feel left out and alone.

as last day approaches, the big battle is also creeping towards me.
please give me the strength to go on.
im tired already.
the dream is so far away and i can barely touch it with my fingertips.

inspiring book that reminds me why im doing this.

衣櫃裡的對話。

今早，母親看見電視播放著新聞透視的預告。
主題是"如果你的子女是同志"。
這是cctvb第一次做同志議題的新聞檔案，我看到同志組織在網上瘋傳，心也滿懷期待。

她問: "那你會怎麼做?"
我鄂然，知道她想問甚麼，卻不知如何反應。
她續說:"要接受吧? 他是這樣子的話，我也無法改變。"
我過了幾秒，才回答: "我會接受他。反正兩者也無分別。"

這是個十分奇怪的對話。
感覺似是，我從衣櫃探出頭來，跟櫃外的母親對話。

其實雙親也應該會接受我。
但出櫃就是那麼的難。
當我出櫃，父母也會"出櫃"和"入櫃"。
出櫃是讓人知道自己家庭出了個這樣的孩子。
入櫃時是重新認識自己的這個同志兒女。

now is not the appropriate time yet.
but i will come out, just not today.