drainage.

drained of tears, drained of energy.

do i matter?

would the world be any different if you weren't born in the first place?

the most problematic issue of myself is that, i do not think i matter.

i need the feeling of being needed to a great extend that it is becoming unhealthy to my growth.
but then, the truth is, no one is really essential to someone's living.

sometimes, i tend to think life is dispensable, where our personal contributions often go unrecognized, our doings are too small to matter.
therefore, it is an irony for me to quote "im only one, but im one. i cannot do anything, but i can do sth." on my personal statement for university admission.

this is a very haunting feeling.
with a deep-deated conviction that "i dun matter", how excited can u be abt the things u do and the choices u make?
when u wake up everyday, feeling what u do that day doesnt matter anyhow, how committed or passionate can u be?

the experience i hv gone through these years always leads me back to one question: what is the meaning of life?
i know i can only acquire the answer through the journey that is waiting for me in the future, but the constant  doubting and hollow feeing is becoming unbearable.

so, do i matter?

頹唐詩情。

吟別夏木陽陰
淚葬木石前盟
柔風拂髮 片葉顫秋
驀然 秋已輕舞飛揚

人前雀躍鶯歌
門後衰頹敗落
知了知了 會了會了
奈何 懶惰成性

凝望萬里浮雲
憂思落寞遠青
燃燒秋紅塵事
化作入骨涼風  秉然上路

讀物。

越來越缺乏動力溫習。
為什麽不可以讓我一整天都看書呢。

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glee broke my heart.

nobody said it was easy.

although the episode is named "The Break-up", and i had already prepared myself for seeing finchel's end,
i didnt expect klaine and brittana to break up also.

i creid like a baby when blaine performed his teary acoustic "teenage dream".
my heart stopped beating when santana sang the supposedly sweet "mine".
tears keep streaming down my face when all the couples appeared again and sang the most heartbreaking "the scientist".

just why! britana's breakup doesnt even make sense!
yes santana smiled at a girl a little longer - that isnt a reason for all they had gone through the past seasons!!
santana fighting for brittney, santana forced into coming out etc etc..
they hv always been there for each other!

AND! blaine has always been the perfect boyfriend for kurt! how on earth would he cheat?
i know kurt is not with him in ohio, but they hv the strongest relationship of all!

:'(

stop taking people for granted.

what i learnt from the disaster earlier and the news i received today is that
we should really stop taking people for granted.

i know. it happens. it all seems so natural.
its like we are all wired to getting used to things and later also assuming people as a part of our daily habit.
becuz if we didnt, it is likely we'd be stressed out of our minds every second of the day.

but it is a paradox.
when something big happens and you realize you may lose something you always have,
you would want to stop taking people for granted yet it is really difficult due to our nature.

however, that doesnt mean there arent actions we can take everyday to make sure we are always trying our best appreciating things in life.

i think the most important thing of all is being conscious.
notice what we are doing right now and whats around you everyday.

they were so consistent that we made it the wallpaper of our lives.

bring them out of the background that we are so used to.
for example, in my case, be conscious that i can go to sku everyday, seeing my favourite friends and teachers in the world and being accepted as exactly who i am.

if we dont stop taking things for granted, life will probably throw us a grenade so we will.
and by then, it would be too late to realize the wake up call.