被消音。

最近口腔裡出了點小毛病，說話有點困難，感覺像被逼消音。

今天，何秀蘭議員於立法會動議同志平權公眾諮詢議案。
最後，在分組投票機制下被否決。
(直選分組21贊成，8票反對; 功能組別10票贊成，17票反對)
可見同志在社會討論層面生存空間何其狹小。
只是公眾諮詢一個卑微的願望，也被拒絕。
同志的存在被否定，同志的聲音被消音。

著實有點憤概。
怒的是明光社為首團體以聖經、"道德"之名抹黑同志。
昨天晚上聽到明光社總負責人蔡志森於電台節目中，理直氣壯地反問: "難道要告訴別人異性戀者跟同性戀者無分別、無問題，都是平等的嗎?"
多年來對於恐同攻擊日漸麻木，但那一句簡直刺中我心頭。
似乎他們都忘了同志也是人。
只要是人，無論大家有多不同，也應當享有平等的機會及權利。這是每個人生而享有的人權。但在蔡志森的角度，同志為不堪的濫交性愛狂，連人一字也不符合吧?
另外，節目中有一個聲稱為家長代表的女士，開始第一句就如不少恐同人士拿這一句作擋箭牌: "我身邊都有很多同性戀的朋友!"，其後就訴說她如何慌張於自己的孩子被"同性戀是沒問題"的知識洗腦。那一刻，我真的很想說，如果你的孩子是同志，你還會怎麼說話?

今天立會辯論議案時，未能觀看過程。稍後政府網頁會上載影片及文字的會議紀錄。
但從facebook的動態消息上，得知張宇人議員竟然以有人會冒充同性伴侶謀取福利作其反對理據。
我心想，同性伴侶根本連福利都沒有，而且同志們並非在爭取任何"福利"，而是每個人應有的人權和尊重，何來福利可言?

不過也算是有點感動。
看到議題得到社會上不同人士公開發聲支持，我只能冀望同志的世界在社會上透明度越來越高，討論聲越來越大。然後大家最後得出一個結論: we are all humans, thats all.

啊，另外，obama當選了。
美國幾個省份有關同性婚姻的條文也順利通過。
其實結果意料之內，GOP仍然死口認定是hurricane sandy令romney被擊敗。
明明是GOP對女權及經濟政策不合理，自然得不到選民支持。

若然香港是民主社會如美國，功能界別被廢除，同志的路便更好走了。

drainage.

drained of tears, drained of energy.

do i matter?

would the world be any different if you weren't born in the first place?

the most problematic issue of myself is that, i do not think i matter.

i need the feeling of being needed to a great extend that it is becoming unhealthy to my growth.
but then, the truth is, no one is really essential to someone's living.

sometimes, i tend to think life is dispensable, where our personal contributions often go unrecognized, our doings are too small to matter.
therefore, it is an irony for me to quote "im only one, but im one. i cannot do anything, but i can do sth." on my personal statement for university admission.

this is a very haunting feeling.
with a deep-deated conviction that "i dun matter", how excited can u be abt the things u do and the choices u make?
when u wake up everyday, feeling what u do that day doesnt matter anyhow, how committed or passionate can u be?

the experience i hv gone through these years always leads me back to one question: what is the meaning of life?
i know i can only acquire the answer through the journey that is waiting for me in the future, but the constant  doubting and hollow feeing is becoming unbearable.

so, do i matter?

頹唐詩情。

吟別夏木陽陰
淚葬木石前盟
柔風拂髮 片葉顫秋
驀然 秋已輕舞飛揚

人前雀躍鶯歌
門後衰頹敗落
知了知了 會了會了
奈何 懶惰成性

凝望萬里浮雲
憂思落寞遠青
燃燒秋紅塵事
化作入骨涼風  秉然上路

讀物。

越來越缺乏動力溫習。
為什麽不可以讓我一整天都看書呢。

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glee broke my heart.

nobody said it was easy.

although the episode is named "The Break-up", and i had already prepared myself for seeing finchel's end,
i didnt expect klaine and brittana to break up also.

i creid like a baby when blaine performed his teary acoustic "teenage dream".
my heart stopped beating when santana sang the supposedly sweet "mine".
tears keep streaming down my face when all the couples appeared again and sang the most heartbreaking "the scientist".

just why! britana's breakup doesnt even make sense!
yes santana smiled at a girl a little longer - that isnt a reason for all they had gone through the past seasons!!
santana fighting for brittney, santana forced into coming out etc etc..
they hv always been there for each other!

AND! blaine has always been the perfect boyfriend for kurt! how on earth would he cheat?
i know kurt is not with him in ohio, but they hv the strongest relationship of all!

:'(

stop taking people for granted.

what i learnt from the disaster earlier and the news i received today is that
we should really stop taking people for granted.

i know. it happens. it all seems so natural.
its like we are all wired to getting used to things and later also assuming people as a part of our daily habit.
becuz if we didnt, it is likely we'd be stressed out of our minds every second of the day.

but it is a paradox.
when something big happens and you realize you may lose something you always have,
you would want to stop taking people for granted yet it is really difficult due to our nature.

however, that doesnt mean there arent actions we can take everyday to make sure we are always trying our best appreciating things in life.

i think the most important thing of all is being conscious.
notice what we are doing right now and whats around you everyday.

they were so consistent that we made it the wallpaper of our lives.

bring them out of the background that we are so used to.
for example, in my case, be conscious that i can go to sku everyday, seeing my favourite friends and teachers in the world and being accepted as exactly who i am.

if we dont stop taking things for granted, life will probably throw us a grenade so we will.
and by then, it would be too late to realize the wake up call.