you make me want to become a better person. (genuinely)

Every day, we have to make many conscious choices about our living.

For me, being an outgoing introvert, I have to make the decision around different people to be socially recoiled or force myself to become outgoing i.e. act comfortable even when I am not.

The former is an easier choice and the latter often takes courage and bravery but I was always rewarded with unexpected friendships or connections.

Us being friends for such a long time, I am too used to being effortless around you.

And this is one of the reasons why I fell for you, for you made me comfortable even when the whole world is not okay; for when I am at my worst self, I still long for you; for when I look into your eyes, I know I want to be in your arms. 

I fell for you slowly, but then all at once.

When what I dreamt about came true in front of my eyes, I am overwhelmed with happiness and also anxiety for I no longer know how to act around you.

Unlike friendship, relationship requires much effort.

Yet being used to being effortless, I allowed myself to take the easier choice and became socially recoiled around you.

I even ran away from you for the fear of not having made the right choice.

As a result, the comfy feeling that we have around each other disappeared as I was no longer the "me" that I was around you.

The truth is, I am both. I am both socially awkward and socially awesome. The former is an inherent quality and the latter I developed it myself. The former comes out every once in a while when I am tired and the latter makes me proud, happy and comfortable being with who I am. 

The two must co-exist and I cannot be the latter without knowing what the former feels like.

Therefore, I am now promising myself that I will be myself around you.

By "myself", I mean the unconstrained one with passion and the one who will be brave for the person that is worth it.

By "myself", I mean the inherently shy one who is now making the conscious choice to be courageous for you.

Yes, I may still be socially awkward at heart, but I want to become a better person for you.

Being timid and shy is not who I am proud of.

My passion and enthusiasm is what makes me a better person. 

Your are not my soulmate.

Relationships are journeys that require conscious effort and one should not over romanticise everything. 

Soulmates do not need to make it work with effort as "they naturally belong to one another".

But that is just not the reality.

The reality is there is not "the right person".

What makes a relationship a strong one is when both parties are willing to put effort in one another because they believe they are worth it.

And yes, you are worth it. 

Begin Again.

So here we go again, after 2.5 years.


Last time, I completely lost myself in my love for another person.
I wasn't the person that she fell in love with anymore.
I was always insecure and had no control over my own emotions.
I couldn't trust her.
I closed my door and she closed hers.
I wasn't able to love myself and she wasn't able to love me.
I was left shattered in pieces.



This time, I won't let this happen to us.
After a year of being in the university, I learnt to deal with pressure.
I learnt to be aware of the negative energy that I am giving out and face it fearlessly.
I learnt to be independent and pick myself up after falling apart.
I will define who I am.
I will not devalue myself.
I am going to love myself the way I want you to.


Thank you for giving us a chance; giving love a chance.

fuck this.

i do not know what we had can change so quickly.

it is as if i missed out an episode of our story.

fuck this.

why can't i act normally and cover up my screwed up emotions.

do you even know how messed up im?

how will i be able to close this freaking gap between us...

im sad. not just sad. maybe to the point of despair.

the loneliness is swallowing me up.

please give me glimmers of hope to hold on to..

im on the edge of giving up ...

positive thoughts.

1. if you belong with me, you will be there for me.
therefore, where your heart belongs now does not matter nor should i care. if you are the one that I'm looking for, things will work out naturally.

2. there are many things in life that are more important than you are.
my work, my studies, my academic interest, my time to spend with those who truly care.

3. it will be okay. if it is not, it is not the end yet. keep a little faith and have confidence in myself and in you.

4. even if it does not work out, it is not a loss. becuz that proves you are not the one for me.

long to be close to you.

you have no idea how vulnerable you made me feel.

it is as if i have no control over my own feelings.
a part of myself gets lost as time goes by without being around you.
i miss you with my whole heart and soul.
i miss you with every fiber of my being.
i long to be close to you. and not just physically.

but you never know. nor would you understand.

the loneliness that surrounds me, the despair that drowns me, the sorrows that kills me, the disappointment that breaks me.

the uncanny feeling that clutters my normal course of life.

but i know you would not love the emotionally deranged person that im.
nor can i give you the love that you deserve.

still, i hold onto the glimmers of hope that you gave me and treasure every moment that i have with you.

if only you can tell me what im to you..

tired.

im tired every day. or, let me put it this way: im tired of being me.

i know its ungrateful for me to say so and the fact is im very grateful to be alive.

most people that i know look at me from the outside and think that im happy and comfortable with who im.

no im not.

im not that carefree, mad, sociable and crazy girl that you think you know.

few people have looked inside.

i still feel like that girl that others bully into a corner and speak nothing about it.

i still like to hide under the blanket and speak to no one for the whole day.

and no, im not happy.

it doesnt matter what i do and where i go.

the past drags me into the shadows every once in  a while.

im pathetically seeking for love, for warmth, for that feeling you get sitting by the fireside while it snows outside.

but no one ever knows. 

I Can't Make You Love Me

Just give me time to give up this fight.

I am more wretched than I thought I could ever be.

Again, falling under the illusion that this could work out, I have no more control over my own emotions.

But I know this is not right nor do I have any chance in getting out this fight alive.

Yet droplets of you keep seeping into my empty heart.

Overflow with thoughts of what could be and what should be, 

I spend every languishing days searching for traces of you that you left behind. 

I need you. Or I shall say, I need you to need me.