excited.

i have just done my interview for cuhk english faculty.
the professors are great but i still kinda regret appearing too ambitious (??)
maybe i should have been more humble but never mind.
a girl who also had an interview told me only marginal cases are interviewed which scared the sh*t out of me.
i kinda thought it was a pretty safe choice.
never mind :\

my first choice is hku ba and i have been super excited  abt it.
maybe im not ready for law - yet.
i hope i will be after 4 years.

anyways im so glad i did not put cityu law as my first choice.
a lot of people are glad too - my teachers, my parents and my relatives.
it really has a not-so-good reputation and i always think i dun belong at cityu.

it is unpredictable that i would choose such a path.
but i feel like im on the right track for the first time in many years :)

dream that never comes true.

it was ridiculously unreal.
i did not expect at all to get the lowest and the highest grade in the components of a single subject.
(overall grade still stinks)
why is it chinese?
why?
i was more than shocked.
i still couldn't accept it.

as for english, while many of my friends managed to secure two stars, i got 1 only. so what was the use of the english prize? to remind me how i lost my most important battle?

as for other subjects, i got what i expected yet still has an unsatisfied feeling in my gut.

dse doesn't define me. i know i know.
but it still hurts to see what i dreamt abt shattered in pieces.

i just hope i still have a shot at cityu law.

please be over.

dse was over before i knew it.
and i know 7.15 will be over before i know it.

i hate waiting.
one of my biggest flaws is patience.
i dun have the patience to wait and see the result of my 6-year effort.
okay im probably bluffing - at least 2-year effort.

on the 15th of july, my dream may be crashed. i may never ever have a shot at pursuing a career in law.
or, i will be starting my first step towards my dream.

fingers crossed.

if all else fail, uk will be waiting for my return.

primary schoolmates gathering.

post-dse life has been very busy and a bit messy.
grad book and scotland took away much of my time.
but i managed to squeeze some time and attend a primary schoolmates gathering.

some people never ever change.
mean girls are still mean girls who think their are on the top of the world.
im a bitch - i expect their fall one day.
smart-asses are still smart-asses who remain the center of attention of teachers.
stupid people are still full of themselves and attach themselves to others that seem to be on a higher position on the ladder.

im happy some people are still as friendly as i remember.
we had a nice chat.

but i guess i changed a lot myself.

im not the little girl that you can bully into a corner anymore.
im not the one who will cry herself to sleep over others' inmature actions and statements.
i wasn't smart enough back then to avoid trouble - i seemed to be the trouble-seeker to be exact.
i screwed with the wrong people.
i messed up all my friendships.
i was lonely.

but now i manage to find the right people to be friends with.
real friends with amazing attitudes.
i stand up for myself.
i try my best to accomplish what i want badly.
i can deal with being alone because that doesn't mean im lonely.
im much stronger and tougher.

f*ck the haters who stood in my way.

habits.

Aristotle had said a lot of inspiring words but i find the following most fascinating.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."

i hv recently allowed myself to indulge in a extremely laid-back life.
i do not follow good habits.
i pay less attention and think less about the things around me.
im not longer familiar with american or hong kong politics like i used to think i do.
im not learning anymore.
im basically a living organism who for some reasons have a tight schedule but often left feeling extremely unsatisfied.

i repeatedly told myself: hey u went through a tough journey. u deserve to be as free as you want.
however, it is not good for me.

therefore, it is important to me to establish good habits all over again.
yet i need to take it slow or else i will find myself falling back into the aimless life im having now.

it all begins tomorrow.

back from the wild camp.

不得不承認我是一個嬌生慣養的城市人。
一去到野外，一點求生技能也沒有。
幸然有4位同行的男同學，事事為我們2個女同學打點。
從起爐燒烤 (事源浪茄營地的3個燒烤爐也被人霸佔，我們不得不用appear out of nowhere的渠蓋自製燒烤爐)，到紮營等等，都由他們代勞，實在感到不好意思。

可說是破了最長燒烤時間的紀錄。
從5時燒到10時，最後卻依賴男同學們用cook set烹調的肉食才能飽肚...
晚上於海灘觀星(此行之目的)，雖然星星出現的時間不長，但也算是我一生人看到最多星星的一次。
不過最難忘的應是與多位男同學談天說地，還驚訝於他們願意推心置腹說心底話。

回到營裡聊到凌晨2時，小睡約3個小時。
5時被雷聲嚇醒。
之後不斷傾盆大雨，還打雷閃電，曾一度擔心被困於營地無法離開。
幸好到了早上天朗氣清，吃過早餐便連忙收拾行裝離開。

可是雨過天青後，天氣變得極之悶熱，一點風也沒有。
行山途中非常辛苦。
但捱過後，便有一種難以言喻的成功感。

總結而言，還是一個非常難忘的經驗。

the journey has come to an end.

dse is officially over as the examiner of english oral made her final announcement.

im so glad it has finally come to an end.

the journey is difficult.
i didnt have a pretty start with me crying over my chinese oral examination.
chinese written papers are challenging but i managed to show what i have got.
english papers are disastrous as i got my monthly pain during the days and as a result blew writing which i had very high expectation beforehand.
mathematics has never been my best friend and i sucked as usual but strangely feel that i have quite a chance of getting a 5.
chemistry papers are much more difficult to handle than last year's papers but i strongly hope i mangaed to secure level 5 or above with paper 2.
biology papers are mostly easy with me committing quite a few stupid mistakes and therefore im not really sure i have any shot at a star.
bafs was my last written exam and i just simply gave up on myself.
do i regret? maybe but it is not my favourite or most important subject so i do not really care.
and finally, english oral today.
it is nice to have a little competition going on and i have to admit my competitor was better in some ways but i believe i wasn't outshone by that much.
personal response question is difficult and i just hope they don't deduct my marks.

so that sums up what i had gone through last month.
i absolutely do not wish to go through it again because it can really make your passion and your spirit die out.
luckily, i still have my passion glowing stronger than ever and thats what keeps me strong throughout the journey.

now, it is time to turn to a new page.