2014.

I didn't know it is possible to grow so much within a year.

This year has been difficult yet wonderful in so many ways.

Looking back, I am still so grateful of everything I've gone through.

January was a month of struggle.

After the end of my first ever university semester, I was confused and lost.

Without any friends that I felt a close connection with (or so I thought), 

loneliness surrounded me everywhere I went.

February and March were months of change.

With the strenuous Bazaar, I finally got to befriend everyone in our Executive Committee.

And I met friends that remain on my side till this day.

It was definitely difficult to hold this event for the entire month.

Not to mention the Academic Festival that followed closely afterwards.

We paid days and hours of sweat and effort.

But I was rewarded with immense satisfaction and surprising friendships.

It was a difficult, yet amazing time.

April, well, I have vague memory of what happened this month.

I guess it is when I started falling in love. 

Denial, tears and confusion was involved.

I didn't know how, nor did I wanted this to continue.

I tried hard to fall out of love but I failed, obviously.

It was a bittersweet month.

May is when I fell even harder for this guy.

You were away for 10 days and it was so difficult for me.

I kept trying to guess what you were really thinking about.

And for numerous times, I promised myself to give up.

But I couldn't. I couldn't even force myself to dislike you. 

You embodied everything I ever wanted.

I went to Germany in June.

It was a great place with delicious food and the nicest people.

And finally, I got to enjoy time with my family.

But it wasn't all that great.

They fought all the time as usual and I was greatly annoyed by that.

But that's family, I guess.

From July to August, I saw how the incoming freshmen tried to blend into the new environment, which was just like us last year.

It was a strange sensation to be a more senior student.

However it was also when I realised how difficult it was to obtain a sense of belonging here.

And I was so glad that I did over the year.

On the other hand, as our friendship grew, I fell even harder for you. 

But I knew we were never meant to be.

September was a roller coaster ride.

You finally realised my feelings for you. 

But you pushed me away for you too, thought we were not meant to be together.

Till today, I still do not understand why you changed your mind.

Nevertheless, miracle started this month.

Meanwhile, HK was in complete chaos.

From the Occupy Central Movement to the Umbrella Revolution, 

everyone was frustrated and disappointed at the current state of life.

In the end, change did not take place. Or did it?

October was when our Executive Committee session ended.

There were regrets over things that I could have done better.

Yet I knew my year one would never ever be as fruitful without the Society.

For a moment, I wished time could stop still.

If only we could be young forever, if only I could work with these people all over again.

At the same time, I was glad that it was finally over.

It was time to move on to work towards another goal.

November was when I felt so confused all over again, just like when I was a freshman.

Without the responsibilities as an Executive Committee member, I did not know what I should work towards anymore.

Academic work piled up this month and it was suffocating.

I was not emotionally stable but you were always here for me.

I realised you were even more than what I thought you were.

Yet this scared me as well, for how vulnerable one feels when one is in love.

But you said you love me just the same, despite my many insecurities.

It was when I thought, this could be it. You could be the one.

December was unsettling, again.

I went to two job interviews and I started thinking about my career prospect and our future.

Everything seems so terrifying.

But I learnt that it is okay not to be okay.

It is okay not to have everything figured out for now.

We never truly know who we really are because this is a life-long process.

Just live in the moment, because life is short.

So this sums up my year.

It was a great year. But I know, with you, more wonderful years are to come.

I know we could be it. 

We can make it.

you make me want to become a better person. (genuinely)

Every day, we have to make many conscious choices about our living.

For me, being an outgoing introvert, I have to make the decision around different people to be socially recoiled or force myself to become outgoing i.e. act comfortable even when I am not.

The former is an easier choice and the latter often takes courage and bravery but I was always rewarded with unexpected friendships or connections.

Us being friends for such a long time, I am too used to being effortless around you.

And this is one of the reasons why I fell for you, for you made me comfortable even when the whole world is not okay; for when I am at my worst self, I still long for you; for when I look into your eyes, I know I want to be in your arms. 

I fell for you slowly, but then all at once.

When what I dreamt about came true in front of my eyes, I am overwhelmed with happiness and also anxiety for I no longer know how to act around you.

Unlike friendship, relationship requires much effort.

Yet being used to being effortless, I allowed myself to take the easier choice and became socially recoiled around you.

I even ran away from you for the fear of not having made the right choice.

As a result, the comfy feeling that we have around each other disappeared as I was no longer the "me" that I was around you.

The truth is, I am both. I am both socially awkward and socially awesome. The former is an inherent quality and the latter I developed it myself. The former comes out every once in a while when I am tired and the latter makes me proud, happy and comfortable being with who I am. 

The two must co-exist and I cannot be the latter without knowing what the former feels like.

Therefore, I am now promising myself that I will be myself around you.

By "myself", I mean the unconstrained one with passion and the one who will be brave for the person that is worth it.

By "myself", I mean the inherently shy one who is now making the conscious choice to be courageous for you.

Yes, I may still be socially awkward at heart, but I want to become a better person for you.

Being timid and shy is not who I am proud of.

My passion and enthusiasm is what makes me a better person. 

Your are not my soulmate.

Relationships are journeys that require conscious effort and one should not over romanticise everything. 

Soulmates do not need to make it work with effort as "they naturally belong to one another".

But that is just not the reality.

The reality is there is not "the right person".

What makes a relationship a strong one is when both parties are willing to put effort in one another because they believe they are worth it.

And yes, you are worth it. 

Begin Again.

So here we go again, after 2.5 years.


Last time, I completely lost myself in my love for another person.
I wasn't the person that she fell in love with anymore.
I was always insecure and had no control over my own emotions.
I couldn't trust her.
I closed my door and she closed hers.
I wasn't able to love myself and she wasn't able to love me.
I was left shattered in pieces.



This time, I won't let this happen to us.
After a year of being in the university, I learnt to deal with pressure.
I learnt to be aware of the negative energy that I am giving out and face it fearlessly.
I learnt to be independent and pick myself up after falling apart.
I will define who I am.
I will not devalue myself.
I am going to love myself the way I want you to.


Thank you for giving us a chance; giving love a chance.

fuck this.

i do not know what we had can change so quickly.

it is as if i missed out an episode of our story.

fuck this.

why can't i act normally and cover up my screwed up emotions.

do you even know how messed up im?

how will i be able to close this freaking gap between us...

im sad. not just sad. maybe to the point of despair.

the loneliness is swallowing me up.

please give me glimmers of hope to hold on to..

im on the edge of giving up ...

positive thoughts.

1. if you belong with me, you will be there for me.
therefore, where your heart belongs now does not matter nor should i care. if you are the one that I'm looking for, things will work out naturally.

2. there are many things in life that are more important than you are.
my work, my studies, my academic interest, my time to spend with those who truly care.

3. it will be okay. if it is not, it is not the end yet. keep a little faith and have confidence in myself and in you.

4. even if it does not work out, it is not a loss. becuz that proves you are not the one for me.

long to be close to you.

you have no idea how vulnerable you made me feel.

it is as if i have no control over my own feelings.
a part of myself gets lost as time goes by without being around you.
i miss you with my whole heart and soul.
i miss you with every fiber of my being.
i long to be close to you. and not just physically.

but you never know. nor would you understand.

the loneliness that surrounds me, the despair that drowns me, the sorrows that kills me, the disappointment that breaks me.

the uncanny feeling that clutters my normal course of life.

but i know you would not love the emotionally deranged person that im.
nor can i give you the love that you deserve.

still, i hold onto the glimmers of hope that you gave me and treasure every moment that i have with you.

if only you can tell me what im to you..

tired.

im tired every day. or, let me put it this way: im tired of being me.

i know its ungrateful for me to say so and the fact is im very grateful to be alive.

most people that i know look at me from the outside and think that im happy and comfortable with who im.

no im not.

im not that carefree, mad, sociable and crazy girl that you think you know.

few people have looked inside.

i still feel like that girl that others bully into a corner and speak nothing about it.

i still like to hide under the blanket and speak to no one for the whole day.

and no, im not happy.

it doesnt matter what i do and where i go.

the past drags me into the shadows every once in  a while.

im pathetically seeking for love, for warmth, for that feeling you get sitting by the fireside while it snows outside.

but no one ever knows. 

I Can't Make You Love Me

Just give me time to give up this fight.

I am more wretched than I thought I could ever be.

Again, falling under the illusion that this could work out, I have no more control over my own emotions.

But I know this is not right nor do I have any chance in getting out this fight alive.

Yet droplets of you keep seeping into my empty heart.

Overflow with thoughts of what could be and what should be, 

I spend every languishing days searching for traces of you that you left behind. 

I need you. Or I shall say, I need you to need me.

all i want.

And too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside
You can't provide what I need from you anyway

But do you know
It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

contradictions.

i dont wanna lose control
i just wanna touch your soul
I do, I do

I just wanna hold you when the goings tough
I just wanna love you when your not enough
I just wanna give you all that I can give
I do, I do

bitch.

cupid is a bitch.
love is a bitch.

it happens at the most inappropriate time and on the most unsuitable person.

and i will never be able to escape from being its slave.
it drugs me with temporal happiness and kills me softly with jealousy and dread.

it manipulates me with emotions.

im nothing but a puppet under the name of love.

but this time, i wont let it leads me.
becoz i wont let myself label it as love.
i wont allow myself to indulge in false hope and idealization.

this is the new me today.
not 2 years ago.

my strength

upon entering university, i got to know many more people than i used to.
some that you instantly begin a friendship with, some that inspire you intellectually and these are the ones that i hold most dearly.

they ignite your passion that has almost died out, they inspire you in the most surprising way and they always, always get it.

i have to confess, im in a chaotic mental state with many aspirations but too little time.
these people does not pull me back to the ground or reality but instead hold my hand tightly amid all the craziness in life.

they are the source of strength that i hold onto.

indeed, friendships are not measured by the length of acquaintance.

anger

anger and frustration has become my friends these days.
the fact that i can't hv enough rest nor find motivation or time to study is bothering me much more than i can handle.
ugh.
hope i can initiate a change after bazaar.

present

everything that we know of slowly slip out of our grip yet we refuse to believe that is the case.
what the majority of us do now doesn't make sense if we are fully aware of the shortness of our lives.

we waste time sitting down watching bad movies for hours.
we spent many waking moments reminiscing our past or anticipating the future.
we do not grasp the opportunities as we see them but instead hesitate and before we know it, they are gone.

we rarely focus on the present, which ironically, is what we really have.
we never enjoy the present moment as it is - missed it when trying to capture it with a camera, when we are lost in our other thoughts, when we can't look past all the hustle and bustle of our lives to enjoy life as it really is.

this is the problem of our generation.
this is the underlying reason for my persistant hollowness.
and that, is something that i need to work on my whole life.

Winter Solitude.

the winter wind blows
freezing, engulfing, biting my heart of solitude
silhouette of the past haunt me
leaving a scar on the delicacy of my memory

loneliness shivers in the corner
that direful monster consuming me in silence

i strive for an escape
yet it is in vain
it strikes me like a flood
with wave of emotion rolls in
i shriek

but no one knows me
nor the wind has mercy
so here i stand
enduring the winter solitude
for a hope that never exists.

奢侈

就讓我在難得比較空閒的禮拜天

躲在被窩裏

看一本與學業無關的書籍

撇下繁複的莊務

不跟任何人說話

這個空間 就只剩下自己

然而 這從什麽時候開始 竟成了奢侈的生活

chur.

其實真係chur得有d過分。

當我以為midterm/ tests/ essays 交得七七八八，
前幾日發現下星期一又有份2000字要交。

當我以為agm完左、正式上左莊，
其實又要為逼到埋身既inaug而忙碌。

其實我只係想有一日完全空閒，
可以做自己想做既野。

點解好似無可能?

疲憊。

很累。
累得不想思考不想應對不想上學。
最近都沒有娛樂的時間。
簡簡單單想看部電影也難。
為什麽要這樣犧牲私人時間？

我也不明白自己在幹什麽。
值得嗎？
不知道。
已經不能走回頭路了吧。

至少跟你們一起笑聲總是不絕。

好不容易

好不容易過了mock cam。

46個小時12個人1條心面對n屆上莊。

壓力比自己想像中大。

身為其中1位3C，理應對所有活動的設備、場地以及學生會內務守則瞭如指掌。

可惜我不太做得到。

感覺自己令正上莊失望了。

也意識到自己跟其餘11個人溝通不足。

但在過程中得到的堅實支持真的很大很多。

無論是post-its還是其他人在cam inaug的4個小時內幫忙答問題，都令我很感動。

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but im exhausted mentally and physically.

但我找到了mock cam的意義。

我找到了上莊對自己的意義。

agm 會是另一大挑戰。

做到!!!!!!!!

最後晚餐。

記得第一次聽到這首歌，是ocamp的第二個晚上。
那一刻的感動實在難忘。
我暗自跟當時的自己許下承諾，將來感到難受、寂寞，抑或迷失方向時，
要重溫當刻的霎時感動。
要記得，"為求沒有帶著遺憾活到終點"。

這個月發生了很多事。
生活快得來不及好好反思。
再聽這首歌，已是一個多月後。

你的離去或許是一個提醒。
要記得當初對自己的承諾，要為自己的選擇負責。

去吧，我會永遠珍惜你。